Marriage—something that’s supposed to be a joyous occasion—can feel more like a headache for today’s youth. With the difficulty of finding someone who reciprocates your feelings and the overwhelming wedding preparations, the thought of getting married can seem more like a daunting task than a dream. But how did ancient people approach marriage? Was it as complicated as it is today? Let’s travel back in time to explore marriage customs in ancient China.
Marriage Made Simple: A Far Cry from Today’s Complexities
In ancient China, marriage was surprisingly less complicated than it is today. Back in the early days, societies practiced group marriages and even “bride snatching,” making the concept of marriage much more casual. There were no stringent rules or heart-to-heart discussions—people simply did what was necessary to form a union.
As society evolved, especially with the rise of Confucianism, a more structured and formal approach to marriage emerged. The once loose arrangements gradually transformed into a system where parental consent and matchmaking became essential. This, however, meant that love didn’t always come first. Marriage was more about fulfilling familial obligations, and the idea of “love” before marriage was quite rare.
Parental Approval: “A Match Made in Heaven” (or Not)
In ancient China, marriages were rarely the product of “love at first sight.” Most unions were arranged by the elders, with a matchmaker playing a crucial role in the process. The groom and bride-to-be often hadn’t even met each other before the wedding ceremony. The system, known as “arranged marriages,” made finding a compatible partner seem like less of a priority.
Interestingly, some modern singles are beginning to look back with a sense of nostalgia for the days of “parental matchmaking.” With the modern dating scene often feeling overwhelming, some might argue that having someone else take care of the matchmaking could save a lot of time and energy. After all, who wouldn’t want to avoid endless swiping and awkward first dates?
The Six Rites of Marriage: A Formal and Detailed Process
But it wasn’t just about parental matchmaking; there were also strict procedures that had to be followed before the marriage could be finalized. Ancient Chinese marriages involved a series of six formal rites, known as the “Six Rites of Marriage,” or Liji. These were:
- Proposal (纳彩): This was essentially the ancient version of a marriage proposal, but it didn’t involve the couple themselves. A matchmaker would approach the bride’s family and formally ask for her hand in marriage. If successful, the groom’s family would then send gifts to the bride’s family.
- Asking for the Name (问名): Before anything could progress, the groom’s family would inquire about the bride’s name and, more importantly, her birth date and time. Why? Because, in ancient China, astrology played a huge role in determining whether a marriage would be successful. The matchmaker would then seek out a fortune-teller to check if the couple’s birth charts were compatible.
- Confirming the Engagement (纳吉): After the astrological checks, the next step was to confirm the engagement. This was a formal declaration of the couple’s intention to marry, sort of like our modern “engagement” phase.
- Gifts (纳征): In this step, the groom’s family would send valuable gifts, known as “bride price,” to the bride’s family. These gifts weren’t just symbolic; they were often quite practical, like fabrics and leather goods, and they served to show the groom’s commitment.
- Setting the Date (请期): The groom’s family would consult an astrologer again to choose the most auspicious date for the wedding. Once chosen, the groom’s family would notify the bride’s family.
- The Wedding (迎亲): The final step was the wedding ceremony itself, which involved rituals such as the bride’s arrival at the groom’s home, prayers to the heavens, and sometimes the offering of food or drinks to symbolize the couple’s union.
The Cost of Marriage: More Than Just Love
One of the most striking aspects of ancient Chinese marriage was the economic exchange involved. While modern couples today often worry about the financial burden of a wedding, in ancient times, the exchange of goods and money was an integral part of the process. In some periods, the bride’s family would even give an enormous dowry to ensure her well-being and status in her new home.
Take the Song Dynasty, for example. In this era, the dowries were famously lavish. A notable case is that of Su Zhe, who had to sell land just to afford the dowry for his daughter. Some dowries included land, shops, and vast sums of money, making the whole process an expensive affair.
From Past to Present: What Can We Learn?
Looking at ancient marriage customs, we see a few striking differences and similarities to today’s world. While love wasn’t always a driving force in ancient unions, the social and family expectations surrounding marriage are still relevant today. Just as the marriage ritual once demanded careful planning, the modern wedding still involves much attention to detail—from guest lists to venues.
However, one key difference is the way we view love and compatibility. Today, we have more freedom to choose our partners based on personal feelings rather than external pressures. While matchmaking was once the norm, many still find comfort in the idea that love and marriage can be both personal and meaningful.
In essence, ancient marriage customs, though complex and structured, offer us valuable insights into how society views relationships, love, and family ties. Even in a modern world dominated by technology and dating apps, the underlying importance of commitment, mutual respect, and familial connections still resonate.