Imagine living in the Middle Ages. It’s a time of knights, castles, and mysterious diseases, but if you catch a cold or feel a little feverish, don’t expect much sympathy. The doctors of the day might just treat your illness with an axe and a prayer. Welcome to medieval medicine, where it’s more about luck than skill, and if you survive, you can thank God. If not, well, maybe you had it coming.

A Prescription of Prayer and Purgatory

During the early Middle Ages, with the rise of Christianity, European medicine took a dramatic turn back to the days of witch doctors. People believed that diseases were sent by God or demons, and the cure? Prayer, holy water, and sometimes, a good old-fashioned chant or two. Hospitals were typically run by monasteries, but don’t get too excited—doctors here weren’t exactly concerned with your health. You’d be pampered by nuns, fed, bathed, and given a chance to pray, but the only real treatment was to confess your sins and wait for divine intervention. Getting better? That’s between you and God.

The Grim Reapers of Medicine: Bird Beaks and Black Robes

If that wasn’t bad enough, let’s talk about the private doctors. Forget the white coats and stethoscopes—back then, doctors looked like they were ready to escort you to the afterlife. These “medics” often wore black robes, wide-brimmed hats, and long beaked masks during the Black Plague. These masks were said to ward off evil spirits, but honestly, it’s hard to focus on healing when your doctor looks like the Grim Reaper. They also carried a staff, not just for support, but to poke at patients without touching them, and if that didn’t help, they’d strike you with it to scare away the “bad humors” (whatever those were).

And if you’re wondering, they didn’t stop at creepy costumes—they also had the ancient practice of astrology on their side. Doctors would consult the stars to decide the best time to treat your disease. If you broke your leg in March, sorry, you might have to wait until Aries leaves the scene. Medicine or astrology? Who knows.

Hippocrates and the Rise of Bloodletting

But amidst all this chaos, one man tried to make sense of things—Hippocrates, the so-called “Father of Medicine.” He proposed the theory of the four humors: blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile. According to him, disease was caused by an imbalance of these bodily fluids. To restore balance, you’d need to drain the excess humors—by, you guessed it, bleeding.

Unfortunately, Hippocrates never anticipated that his “theory” would be twisted into one of the most bizarre and deadly practices of medieval medicine—bloodletting. A treatment that would become so popular it would claim the lives of kings, presidents, and poets alike.

The Barber Surgeons: When Haircuts and Surgery Collided

Now, you might think that bloodletting should be left to professionals, but in the Middle Ages, doctors were too “dignified” to get their hands dirty with surgery. So, guess who took over? Barbers! Yes, barbers, the same folks who trimmed your beard would also cut open your veins. They also doubled as surgeons, performing minor surgeries and amputations. In fact, the iconic red-and-white barber pole is a relic from those days, representing blood and bandages. As barbaric as it sounds, many people preferred the “expert” barbers over actual physicians, who were too busy avoiding bloodshed to touch a scalpel.

When Bloodletting Went Too Far: Famous Victims

And it wasn’t just the average Joe who fell victim to medieval treatments. Even the rich and famous weren’t safe from the disastrous effects of bloodletting.

• George Washington, the first president of the United States, died in 1799 after doctors bled him to the point of near-death. They drained 2,500 milliliters of blood from his already weakened body, contributing to his demise.
• King Charles II of England was subjected to bloodletting after a stroke, but when that didn’t work, the doctors just kept going with enemas and other medieval “remedies” until he passed away.
• Lord Byron, the famous poet, was also killed by bloodletting after a fever. Multiple rounds of bloodletting only left him weaker, eventually leading to his death.
• And let’s not forget Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who, after struggling with illness, was bled so many times in his final days that it likely contributed to his premature death at the age of 35.

A Legacy of “Black Science”

The bloodletting craze continued for centuries, stubbornly refusing to die off until the 19th century when the discovery of germs and the true causes of disease began to shake up this “black science.” It wasn’t until medical advancements began to take root that the horrific practices of medieval medicine were finally laid to rest.

Today, we look back on this dark chapter in history and can only say a heartfelt “Amen” that we don’t live in such a terrifying time for healthcare. With the progress made in medicine, perhaps the most miraculous thing is that any of us survived the Middle Ages at all. Thank you, 21st century!