Friendship can be a tricky thing. On one hand, we yearn for the joy of solitude, but on the other, we long for meaningful connections with those who can be there for us. The reality is, no one can truly live as an island. If you’ve ever wondered why, as time goes on, you find yourself with fewer friends, it’s worth considering that it might not always be because you’re walking alone—it could be because the people you walked with unknowingly drifted away.

Ancient wisdom offers some valuable perspectives on why friendships falter, and it’s well worth revisiting these lessons. Let’s dive into the teachings of Liu Bowen, a Ming Dynasty scholar and strategist, who explored the complex dynamics of friendship in his writings. His reflections can help us understand why we lose friends—and how to prevent it.

1. Trust is the Foundation of Friendship

Liu Bowen famously wrote: “谗不自来，因疑而来；间不自入，乘隙而入”—”Slander doesn’t come on its own; it enters through suspicion; discord doesn’t happen naturally, it finds a gap to slip in.”

A great historical example of this is from the Three Kingdoms period. When Cao Cao was fleeing for his life, he sought refuge with a man named Lü Boshe. Lü generously hosted Cao and even planned to slaughter a sheep and pig for him the next day. However, upon hearing the sound of knives being sharpened, Cao became suspicious, thinking Lü was plotting something sinister. In a rash decision, he killed Lü and his family.

This story teaches us a profound lesson: once trust is lost, friendships are on shaky ground. Even the smallest doubt can create a crack in the relationship. Similarly, the ancient tactic of “divide and conquer,” or “离间计”, was often used to turn friends against each other. Just like how the strategist Han Xin used it to sow discord between Xiang Yu and his advisor Fan Zeng, misunderstandings caused by outside influence can tear friendships apart. The lesson here is clear—trust is essential. Without it, no friendship, no matter how strong, can last.

2. Taking Too Much Can Drive People Away

Another wise saying from Liu Bowen: “能盈而不能谦者，虽成必隳；知进而不知止者，虽得必失”—”Those who can take in but not humble themselves will eventually fail; those who know how to advance but not when to stop will eventually lose.”

This is a timeless truth: in friendship, as in life, there is such a thing as too much. Helping a friend once or twice is a gesture of goodwill, but if you keep taking without offering anything in return, the relationship will eventually run dry. We’ve all experienced it at some point: a friend who asks for help again and again, without ever showing gratitude or returning the favor. Eventually, the emotional bank runs out. It’s like borrowing too much from a credit card—the balance becomes unmanageable. So, while it’s important to help friends, don’t forget to give back too. A balanced relationship is key to lasting friendships.

3. Focusing Only on Faults Leads to Isolation

Liu Bowen also wrote: “一目之人可使视准，五毒之石可使溃疡”—”A one-eyed person can use their sight to guide a level, and poisonous stones can be used to treat ulcers.”

This might sound a bit strange, but it’s really a message about perspective. Nobody is perfect, and each person has their strengths and weaknesses. If you focus solely on someone’s faults, you’ll never find a true friend. A good friend might not be perfect in every aspect, but they have qualities that complement your own. Instead of fixating on flaws, appreciate the unique qualities they bring to the relationship.

4. Losing Morality Leads to Lost Friendship

In another story from Liu Bowen’s “Yuli Zi”, he tells of a man named Jing Sui, who suggested that the king allow the people to farm a particular area of land to avoid homelessness. The king agreed, but years later, when the land became prosperous, Jing Sui was asked how much tax he received from it. To the king’s surprise, Jing Sui said that he didn’t take any. He had given everything to the people. This act of selflessness caused the king to lose his respect for Jing Sui, and their friendship ended.

The takeaway here is that moral integrity is vital in maintaining friendships. People who lack virtue may find it difficult to keep relationships intact. Whether in social or business circles, trust and integrity are the cornerstones of lasting connections. If your morals are questionable, friends will eventually turn away, fearing betrayal or self-interest.

5. How to Keep and Make New Friends

At the end of the day, we all make friends at different stages of life—childhood playmates, schoolmates, colleagues, and so on. But as time passes, relationships change. People drift apart, whether because of misunderstandings, emotional wounds, or just life’s natural ebb and flow.

If you find yourself without friends, start by looking inward. Reflect on what went wrong and what you might have contributed to the falling out. If you made a mistake, be willing to apologize and make amends. For relationships that can’t be saved, sometimes it’s best to let go and move on. That’s a natural part of life. And remember, meeting new people and forming new friendships is always an option.

The key takeaway here is that kindness and genuine effort matter. As Liu Bowen said, “厚德载物”—great virtue carries great weight. Whether it’s in friendships or any other aspect of life, leading with kindness and integrity will always help you build meaningful relationships.